last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
