why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
