There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
