I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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