Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
