this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
