Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
