Me. At least after what I've been through.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
