i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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