that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
