I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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