So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
