I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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