Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
