there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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