i just had sex bonerless
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
