in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
