shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
the gays at disneyland are vicious
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
