as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
