my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
