dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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