If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
