you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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