So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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