They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
