There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
