you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
