1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
