Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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