nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
