anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
