Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
