Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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