Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
