Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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