"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
