i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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