I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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