Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
