Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
