If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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