I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he fucked my hip out of place.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
