So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Text me some of your sweat
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
