Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
