They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
