You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
