I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
