did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
