We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
