I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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